Over the course of the last month or so, I have quite possibly become the most anti-social person I know.
That is a pretty bad situation, because I really survive on being social. My income requires me to be social as a tour guide and to keep people NEVERon the riding tours. A kind and polite socially correct manner for doing admin. My income requires me to be smiling and social to calm down the men who want to propose to their girlfriends. My volunteer work (which really I spend the most time in my life and is what has always made me happy) requires me to be a happy, friendly and social being in order to break down barriers and teach humble and hungry people what God's Word the bible promises.
My social life, well that's an obvious, it requires me to be social. I have friends who I value and wish to continue being friends with. Therefore I have to be social.
My whole life revolves around me being a socialite.
But at the moment I feel like the ultimate anti-social socialite.
So what exactly is going on? Why do I feel like this?
It could quite possibly have something to do with my extreme exhaustion. I mean being social does take energy. Always keeping your chin up, smiling and even cheering up others takes effort and energy. Which I have been running incredibly short on lately. I have been feeling like an old wrung out mop. I wake up in the morning - tired, I drag myself around all day - tired, I eat supper and go to bed - TIRED. Seriously, I hate this feeling, it is NOT fun to have the mind of a 23 year old in the body of a 90 year old.
Having insomnia on top of that is not helping either.
Or it could also have something to do with my current health, or lack thereof. I have normally been a pretty healthy person, but lately, my body is pretending that it is part of the south african workforce and going on strike!
Other than not having energy, I'm in pain a lot. My back hurts, my kidney hurts, my neck hurts, I have been getting frequent headaches, even my hands hurt. I don't work properly. I am falling apart at the seams here!Old beyond my years!
Then of course the anti-social feelings may partly be stemming from my anger and disgust of the blasted ignorance and "full-of-yourself"ness of a certain manboy who is over 30 and still lives with his mommy and daddy. And who recently acted like the selfish little male chauvinistic pig that he is by telling me that as a woman, I am a lesser being and therefore am purely in existence to serve the every whim of every male. And my unwillingness to do so makes me unchristian. EISH! I mean, I know women are not as physically strong as men, I know that by God's standards the husband is he head of the household, I know that thinking we are equal is wrong. I'm not asking to be equal. BUT don't say that I am a lesser being just because I have a bigger breast than you! If I am not related to you, and a man like that I would rather die than marry, then you have absolutely NO AUTHORITY over me. I am not any man's slave. I love SA, but this culture which dictates "that women must be trodden down, have no say, have no dreams and just work in the house and have babies" that the backwards people who's minds are still stuck in the 70s is downright infuriating! Wait, even the 70s were not like that, this is more like the 50s. And to top if off, the jerk asked if it was PMS that was making me upset with him when he said that. A little tip here for you guys, never never ever ask a girl if its PMS, she will plot how to kill you.
So that conversation from 3 weeks ago has had me stewing and about nearly ready to kill (oh if only looks could kill) all men. Unfortunately said manboy happens to be someone I cannot completely avoid, I try to but cannot always. And that is yet another reason I have been feeling incredibly anti-social - I'm so sick of dealing with men like that. Thankfully not all men are like that, quite a few are pretty awesome.
I have been feeling a bit down because of all this, depression on top of the tiredness and the being "ready to kill" makes me rather anti-social. I have such a short straw at the moment that every little thing possible irritates me. So I have kind of been avoiding my friends, because I dont want to bite at them. I love them, I am missing them like crazy, but I dont even have the patience to read my whole facebook wall right now, let alone my twitter feed. How am I supposed to be nice to my friends? Only my parents can put up with me at the moment, and even they are getting to have enough of me.
So my normally crazy life has been changed to a different type of crazy.
A type of crazy where I have been binging on TV series, reading novels, and even getting a little time to blog. I have been watching obscene amounts of Castle, Person Of Interest, Psych, Big Bang Theory, and for lack of watching material I have even stooped low enough to be able to now quote lines from HIMYM. I have started wondering if I'm a TV addict, but don't worry, I hate reality TV and soapies. So I am safe, sort of, for now.
I have been going to sleep between 1am and 3am every day and waking up no earlier than 9, the other day I only woke up at 11:45am. Shocking, but tough its my life, don't judge me.
I have been forcing myself out to work, and to volunteer, with black bags under my eyes, and forcing a fake smile. Hoping the makeup will hold for the day to hide the spots and bags. Wondering why something that used to make me happy now makes me cry whenever I am alone. But hey, at least I can hold the tears till I'm alone.
Spending ridiculous amounts of time on the internet, browsing absolute useless rubbish (and yet it is so much fun distracting myself from my own miserable existence) like pinterest. Nope, not porn, that's another pathetic manboy way of degrading women, I will NEVER stoop that low.
But my biggest escapism method at the moment is planning my escape/break/holiday/getaway. I have realized that maybe what I need the most right now is a decent holiday. Not that I can afford one, really. I guess I could use my life savings and just do it, jump in my car or board a plane and head to the first destination away from here, but this little annoying thing at the back of my mind called a "sense of responsibility" just has not allowed me to take the plunge and hit the road yet. Plus I dont know how I would have money to eat without selling myself, and selling myself is out of the question.
I read a blog on the Getaway Magazine website recently that said planning your holiday is almost as good as a holiday. I might be suckered into believing that even, if it wasnt that 2 years ago I did try to plan my big RSA Road Trip, and it was fun planning it, but would have been better experiencing it. I even got right down to the mileage, petrol costs, food costs, everything. It would have had to be with at least 2 friends to share the cost, but in total we could have done it for under R20,000. Well, that was 2 years ago, petrol is nearly R14 a litre now, so that idea wont be happening any time soon.
But I can plan my escape anyway, right?
Its not like I need to see a shrink or have medication or anything like that. I'm not sick in the mind OK, well let's say not any more sick in the mind than I always have been. But I don't need to see anyone about it. I personally think this fad of every second person needing a shrink and medication for some disease is nothing more than just that, a fad. Yes, there are some people who genuinely need it (my dear ginger friend, I believe you), but there are also some who just claim they have this to get attention. And I'm not like that, I refuse to think I am mentally unstable. To quote a famous song from the 70s, "What I have, they used to call the blues..."
I know that sitting at home, moping about and being miserable is no good. Being alone has a way of making you more of a loner' and more unhappy. But I promise, as soon as I have a little more energy I'll be out there again, I'll once again be the happy, energetic socialite that you all have come to know (and hopefully love), soon.
And in the meantime, if you're reading this, don't give up on me, PLEASE.
Please DO keep inviting me to join you in whatever fun stuff you are doing.
And if I can, I will come. If I have the energy, and if I don't have the inclination to murder the entire human race that day, I'll be right there. Even if I'm not feeling entirely the best, I'll still try to put on a smile and have a laugh, maybe even try make you laugh too.
Who knows, YOU might just be the person I need so desperately to pull me out of the blues.